A Drop At A Time...

The waiting is officially killing me. Last week Steven got permission to send our information to the home office in Riyadh to begin our visa requests. But really still, nothing has changed. When we get our departure date, I know it's going to be a whirlwind of activity, but I've about done all that I can do without having an exact date of when we're leaving.

For me, it feels like filling a bathtub with a leaky faucet--one drop at a time. Drip. One day passes...Drip. One day passes...Drip. One day passes...And it's started to feel like a cruel joke, like we'll never actually make it to Saudi.  These days I feel filled with impatience. I'm tired of going to work and pretending I care, pretending that I'm not only thinking about getting on that plane and reuniting my family, once and for all. I'm impatient to leave, which doesn't in ANY way diminish the pain and sadness I feel about leaving my friends and family, my whole way of life behind. But I'm feeling those draining feelings EVERY day, and I hate feeling them and still being trapped between the two worlds, not yet gone, but no longer fully emotionally here either...

I'm impatient that I can't pack up the entire house yet, or cut off the utilities or sell my car, all things I'll still need up until the last minute. I'm impatient that I can't just throw all of my clothes in suitcases and walk out the door, that I still need clothes to wear until we leave. I'm tired of trying to console the baby that yes, we're going to see daddy soon, that yes, we are taking a plane ride to Saudi, that yes, we're going to live in a new house, with new beds, new clothes and new toys...it all feels old and tired. Like the words just automatically come out of my mouth without any thought, like a robot. And I have to continue to stay positive, to try to keep him excited and distracted with more stories of what we're going to do when we're all together again...

I'm tired of answering the same questions..."When are you guys leaving?" Because I DON'T REALLY KNOW. Everything is a full-on guess. I'm tired of being asked when my last day at work is, when they're going to announce my job, how am I going to handle not working, how will I feel about not being military, how will I react to homeschooling the baby...They all have the same answer-- I DONT KNOW. I'm tired of making up new answers, trying to vary my answers, to give educated guesses...

Still being here is wearing on me. I think my frustrations and the uncertainty of it all have finally gotten to me. I feel like a cranky baby. I feel like throwing something against the wall for the sheer pleasure of watching it break. I feel tired, wore out, and yet anxious. Maybe I just need a nap:(