What Goes Around...

"He'll stay for a couple of days, completing medical in-processing, (including providing the ever popular stool sample; every lab technician's favorite!)". Remember those words? From a little post published 23 July? If not, allow me to recap.  I was talking about the process Steven was going to have to go through once he arrived in country, and laughing inside while writing it. I made sure to tease him, asking how bad could it be? Turns out--BAD. Really, really bad. But let me backup.

I've started looking at the residence visa requirements, making sure I complete each step in the proper time frames since they expire at different times.  The biggest requirement was a complete medical physical. The form the results are to be documented on use a lot of acronyms and abbreviations, so I wasn't really sure in advance what tests would need to be run. I presented the forms to my doctor (in triplicate, each needing to be filled out separately; no copies allowed) and thankfully, she took the extra work in stride. I spent the next 45 minutes undergoing the typical tests-hearing, vision, blood pressure, TB, etc.  I had completed my woman's wellness exam on a previous visit, so I was congratulating myself on a fairly painless visit, I mean, I hadn't even had to undress. I was feeling confident, downright cocky when my doctor looked up from her tablet, (remember when doctors had paper records on clipboards?!) and said I was all done. Next, I'd need to head over to radiology for a chest x-ray, (no problem!), then on to the lab for some bloodwork, (still no problem, never been afraid of blood or needles) and a stool sample. WHAAATT!?!?  You know in the movies, that sound that indicates when things are going wrong? The needle of a record player scratching across the record? That was my brain. I couldn't process her words. A stool sample?!

It was with great trepidation I settled into the lab chair. I'm sure the technician was nice; I vaguely remember making chit chat, but honestly, my brain was on auto-pilot.  After 7 full vials of blood, (I counted, I'd never had so much blood drawn!) she was done. She reached into a cupboard and pulled out a package. Opening the clear plastic bag, she did a quick inventory. The larger cup was for "catching the specimen", the two smaller vials was its final destination. I was completely mentally unprepared. "Umm, I'm not ready, can I come back another day?", I asked. She laughed, told me I could do the whole thing at home and bring it back.

So skipping ahead, I'd love to give you all the details, just so you can feel my pain. However, my husband (who apparently has a greater sense of propriety than I do) made me promise not to get graphic. Believe me when I say, the words circus, crapshoot, (haha, couldn't resist) and nightmare don't begin to describe the process. It involved some cursing, some laughing, and a lot of frustration! If pictures are indeed worth a thousand words, then here's the full story:

Please tell me you noticed the little "spork" spatula? I'll never be able to view the Taco Bell ones the same way again!

My favorite part of this picture?: Don't drink! The skull and crossbones is a nice touch too! 

So not only was I just subjected to one of the most humiliating experiences ever, but I have to be cautioned not to drink it. Too much!!

So it's been two weeks since then... I've been huddled on the floor of my shower trying to wash the memory of that violation from my mind and my iPad's taking on a lot of water. Guess it's time to come out. Hmmm...Taco Bell's sounding good right now:)

A Festivus For The Rest Of Us

I visited Hobby Lobby today.  For those not aware of the joys of Hobby Lobby,  it is 55,000 square feet of scrapbooking supplies, craft items, home décor, Christmas/holiday decorations, party supplies, silk and dried florals…in short, a hobby heaven!  It has the most wonderful smell when you enter, a cross between scented candles, dried eucalyptus (in their floral department) and unfinished wood.  Amazing! One thing you can always count on at Hobby Lobby, they have their Christmas section up before just about everyone else.  I started to see some ornaments sneaking in around June, but by mid-August, almost everything is displayed. As I perused the aisles, absorbing all the glinting, glittery, shiny deliciousness that is the hallmark of the advent season, it occurred to me how much Christmas was going to change for us. Yes, our plan was to spend Christmases away from Saudi, but that was only in the days directly leading up to the holiday. How would we enjoy/celebrate the holidays in the weeks preceding our trip? Would we still have access to a Christmas tree? How hard would one be to get, and if we could get one, would it cost us a fortune? Would there be ways to get Christmas ornaments? (Truth be told, I'm much less worried about the last question than the first few. I consider myself quite crafty. Give me some glue, a crapload of glitter and a handful of dish brushes and sink stoppers and I'll show you some of the best ornaments you've ever seen!)

Hobby Lobby Display Trees

But seriously, a huge part of my Christmas is having Steven get our fake trees and all the ornaments down from the attic the day after Thanksgiving, (yes folks, every year my loving, supportive husband gets the short end of the stick!) and then making the trip to the tree lot to get an additional live tree.  (After all, its not Christmas without the fragrant pine smell and a few dozen pine needles to clean up every couple of weeks!)
We have a ritual; every year while I decorate the trees, (yes, trees, plural. Last year I capitulated and only had three trees in the house, although I decorated two more at work) Steven puts on a movie he wants to watch and I spend a few blissful hours working my Yuletide magic throughout the house...One year he watched Pale Rider, (one doesn't automatically think of Christmas watching Clint Eastwood movies but he was happy) one year Home Alone, and last year I believe it was The Polar Express for the baby. (You have everything you neeeeeed, If you just belieeeeeeeeeve....)
But it's not just at home that I want to feel the spirit of the holidays. The first time I hear Silver Bells at the store I get a wonderful tingly sensation, and Bing Crosby singing White Christmas on the radio? Forget about it! I'm usually a grinning fool!
You know who really gets in the spirit every season? Macy's. I don't particularly care for them, having worked for them for several years starting in my late teens and having conflicting ideas on how management should be treating their employees, but it's very hard to beat their decorations. I especially love walking through their fragrance department, surrounded by wreaths of red and and gold and huge draping swags of greenery; there's probably nothing that screams "Chrismas Time" more.
But there will be none of that in Saudi. While we will probably have some sort of celebration on compound, there will be none of the decorative splendor off compound that many of us take for granted. No carols playing in the stores, no glittering lights on houses or storefronts, no wreaths or banners on city light poles, no Santa, no Jesus, no public Nativities, no neighborhood light tours. In short, not a single nod to or mention of the season. And thinking of missing out on all that for the approximate month from Thanksgiving to Christmas makes me a little sad.
So it will just be that much more important that we observe our important home traditions before we leave for Christmas in Paris this year. That means ornament making sessions with the baby. It means watching A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, and Elf over and over. It means flying several thousand miles with canned cranberry sauce in my luggage if Steven can't find any before I get there. (You know, the good kind that slides out still shaped like the can in all its quivering glory!)
And if all else fails, thank God there's still Festivus. (Google: Seinfeld/Festivus) I'll let Steven and the baby engage in the feats of strength while I go shopping for a nice, shiny pole. Anyone up for a little airing of grievances?! :)

What Would Chuck Do?

A couple of days ago, the State Department issued an emergency message that recommended "worldwide caution". Among other things, the message alerts U.S. citizens to the potential for terrorist attacks particularly in the Middle East and possibly occurring or emanating from the Arabian  Peninsula. Twenty-two U.S. embassies and consulates were closed worldwide, and later, four more in Africa made the closure list. Also deciding to err on the side of caution, Britain, Germany, and Norway followed suit with closings of their own. The warning expires 31 August.

Though I'm signed up for alerts from the State Department, I got the news from Steven first. He called to make sure I was aware of this vague threat, and to make sure I wasn't worried. Well of course I was--a little. I'm always concerned whenever Steven's away, it's part of my nature; my protective side comes out. But the truth is, in spite of the warning, I still feel I'll be safer in Saudi than I am here. The last major attack against westerners happened in 2007, with prior attacks tapering after
2003. In contrast, the Boston bombing happened in April of this year. The toddler shot in the face? It happened in March.  Sandy Hook happened December 2012, and Trayvon was murdered in February of last year.

Bad things happen here all the time. Every day. Every hour unspeakable crimes are committed by crooks, crazies and lately by kids.  Saudi has its share of problems, but this kind of widespread horrific crime just isn't one of them. That's not to say robberies, rapes and other things don't happen, just not anywhere matching the per capita crime rate we have in our country.  Guess why?  Because they punish offenders. Really punish them. Besides fines and jail time, floggings, amputations and executions actually enforced cause potential offenders to think twice.

I think I've finally realized our country is hopelessly mired in futile legislation, held hostage by big corporations and their lobbyists from having common sense gun control discussions and stuck with a penal system that doesn't work and never will.  Guess what, we're still the greatest nation in the world because we'll keep trying to get it right. But that doesn't mean I necessarily feel safe here. So I have to laugh a little when I see the warning regarding threats in the Middle East. I wish somebody here would issue me a warning when bad things are about to happen.  It'd be nice to know that the guy shopping next to me in Target has been snuffing bath salts and is about to bite my face off as I shop for $12 shoes. I'd also really appreciate a heads up when the guy whose family has known he's been mentally ill for years buys that semi automatic at the gun show with no background check and blows me away in the Chick-Fil-A drive through out of impatience with my inability to decide between their chicken club sandwich or their chicken strips. (Both are good by the way!). But we don't get these warnings, so I have to always walk around with what I like to call my "I-am-absolutely-NOT-in-the-mood-to-get-raped-today-so-don't-even-try-it!" face and believe me when I say it's NOT pretty, (and it makes my facial muscles tired!)

So anyway, Steven's still going to work each day, and just choosing to lay a little lower in his off time. This means less time in town and more time inside his house. I told him that just leaves him more time to catch up on Walker, Texas Ranger reruns. Oh yes people, Chuck Norris is everywhere!:)